Humor
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a
mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Atchung
Alles touristen und non-technishen looken peepers! Das machine is nicht fur der fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowfusen und popencorken mit spitzen sparken. Das machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottenpiken hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.
Bar Humor
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into his insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
Papyrus and comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out—we don’t serve your type.”
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar—fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated work and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the
bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
