Nothing tops a plain pizza.

Someone stole my coffee cup-I’m headed to the Police Station to look at mug shots.

My son said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

Age is not a number. It’s clearly a word.

They said to follow your dreams…so I went back to bed.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

To the thief who stole my glasses: I will find you, I have contacts.

I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that instagram.